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I Did Not Come To Be Danced

Updated: Jan 23

I want to share something I wrote trying to say thank you to a group of people that were a major part of my becoming a better bodyworker, toucher, connector and human being. It was in a five month training program with the Institute for Phenomenal Touch. It absolutely changed my life!

I think Tony says, something like "I am not your guru." In much the same way, I am not my clients healer. I have not evolved to some sacred level and I definitely do not have all the answers. I am, in fact, on much the same journey of healing, discovery and understanding as many of my clients. I have also been and still am being healed and discovering more about myself through massage, bodywork and meaningful physical connections. In case it needs to be said, these meaningful physical connections are intentionally non-sexual.


I think it is because of all of the discoveries, revelations, wonders and even shortcomings of my own personal journey that I can be of some help to others who are brave and vulnerable enough to explore how bodywork might help them along their way.


So here it is...

I was reading the poem by Jewel Mathieson that Mary so profoundly and dramatically shared with us on the first day of my Phenomenal Touch experience and it occurred to me that I did not come here to be danced, at least I did not think that was why I came...


I did not come to be danced!

But I was danced by some wondrous and amazing dancers.

It wasn’t a pretty dance, by any means, but it was a beautiful dance

It was a shake the dust off your life dance

A dance even if it does not make sense to your husband or your wife dance

A don't worry if you can’t stand up, we will get down on our knees and dance with you dance

A don't worry if you can't breathe, we will breathe for you dance

A don't worry if you don't believe in us, we believe in you dance


So yes, I was most definitely danced!


I did not come to be touched!

No, I came to touch, to get better at what I was already good at. To wrap my deepest needs in more layers of being able to meet other people’s needs. My seductively subtle form of self-medication.


But, instead I was deeply touched by so many truly Phenomenal Touchers, I was touched on the table and off the table. I was hugged, held, embraced, cradled, caressed, wrestled with and I even got some fantastic massage. World-class, life-changing, career altering massage.


So yes, I was touched, profoundly touched!


I did not come to cry!

But man did I ever. And you all just sat there and let me cry, you did not try to make things better, change the subject, or let me hide. No, you methodically and systematically broke me down by crying with me, caring for me, by acknowledging every ounce of my pain as you looked directly into my eyes and told me that I wasn’t broken, and I was beautiful. And I might not have believed you but for moments when you bravely wiped the tears off my face with his bare hands or when you actually kissed my tears with such tenderness that there was nowhere left to run to and no one left to hide from...


So yes, I cried!


I did not come to love or to be loved, and I don’t want to diminish this with any attempt at flowery prose, I just want you all to know that I feel so wonderfully loved and I love each one of you so deeply that it surprises me and quite honestly scares me just a little bit.


Lastly, it occurred to me that I did not come to walk the gauntlet or get inducted into the polish mafia. But all of you, and especially you my dearest Gosia, touched both extremes of me so thoroughly, you loved, accepted and embraced my seemingly polar opposites, you actually celebrated and reveled in both of them...and you started this idea in me that maybe I just am both of these things, all of these things, that even though they seem to be so diametrically opposed to each other, maybe they are just different expressions of my truest self.


Maybe l am not broken, maybe I am alright, and maybe it just doesn't matter, because at this point, because of all of you Phenomenal Touchers and especially because of you, you beautiful Angel of polish divineness, I feel really beautiful!